This morning I read in my devotions again about the death of Jesus Christ. As I pondered and prayed over the texts in the last part of John chapter 19, I was surprised to find no remorse in my heart. Perhaps my mind was secretly turning its attention to the tasks of the day, but it was a little unsettling to think that I could read of my Savior´s death without feeling anything.
A great sensation of guilt swept over me as I realized my lack of sensitivity. How could I waste precious moments from the day which should be dedicated to drawing near to my Lord, and not have that sensation of closeness nor even pain over all He had to suffer the day of His death.
One of the first qualities of Jesus which we hope to imitate is His great compassion for others. We may find some moments difficult to love our neighbor as Christ commanded us, especially in those times of oppression. However He has encouraged us to do just this and our hearts leap at the opportunity to draw from our Lord what we lack to achieve this. The process is beautiful in the aspect that we receive from Him the assistance we need and it pulls us closer to the One we serve and bonding of hearts is the result.
This is precisely why my heart was troubled as I tried to worship this morning.
We as Christians try to open our hearts to those around us in expressions of love. We do this because Jesus has asked us to and because we want to offer this kind of attitude up to Him as an offering and please Him in any way possible. This is one of the first and foremost character traits of the true Christian. Jesus even set this as a test of a sign of the true believer.
My heart knows this and that is why it bothers me. How was I able to read of the suffering and shame my dear Savior had to endure, and not feel for Him in any special way? Did the Devil sneak in and rob me of my compassion. Is there some selfish sin still alive and at work in my soul? Am I more concerned with me in some way than I am about the sacrifice which was made on my behalf?
In times like these where our own conscience brings us on trial before our Lord, we may not have any excuses to give on our own defense. We may not fully understand exactly what and where the problem is. But the positive side is that we are brought before the council of the One who loves us. This is the beginning point for finding a cure for whatever our failures have been.
Jesus is there and is working to rectify this very condition. He has promised to be there for us and actively help us on our course. He will represent us before courts and we will draw from Him what we need to set us straight again. He begs for our pardon, pays for it with His own life and death, then works with us and in us to restore us again to our true and proper path.
Therefore, it is not the failure of ours that becomes the issue. Our limitations and our shortcomings can in this way become strengthening factors in our walk with our Savior and Friend. We will see where we do not match up, but we lean further on Him to forgive and redirect ourselves to the path which leads hard upon His heels.
I still have found no cause for my lack of sensitivity. Perhaps the problem lies in the familiarity of the texts and they have somehow lost their salt for me. Whatever the case, I cannot accept my own coldness when reading of the love my Lords displayed to me. My conscious and the Devil are quick to accuse me. I will go before the Lord with the case.
I fall to my knees before You Lord to ask for pardon. I ask for light to be shown on the true condition of my soul and pray for a cure to be given. I will need Your strength and Your direction to accomplish any and all requirements towards that healing. But You are powerful and You are faithful. Please draw me near to You today. Give me again a great burden of compassion, not only for you my Lord, but for all your children too.
In the name of Jesus we come.